Are You Really Too Senstive Too?

I did not want to assume that you are yourself Autistic. I was not sure why you had been using various words. Those words had stuck in my head continuously. I had never heard anyone use those words in the combination and with emphasis about one’s self. When I began to read the materials on Autism, I learned much more than I ever imagined. First, I learned that there is a spectrum from low to high functioning Autism. Of course, I chose to read about the High Functioning Autism. From that, I discovered more than I could have imagined as I had known nothing about Autism. Although, I had asked my friend several times if she felt a telepathic relationship with her son. She would tell me, “No. I just know what he wants.” When you and I were still talking, I told you that my brother had a similar experience as you but he was tested and had a genius IQ in second grade. When I was very young, my brother would not talk. So, I would talk for him. I would tell my mom what he wanted. She would tell me, “Let your brother talk.” Well, he did not want to talk. I also felt telepathic with father all of my life as well as dream with him all of my adult life. One of my former partners had a friend who was Autistic and an artist. She showed me a photo of her friend’s art and I pointed out what the art meant. There were layers of images and I pointed out that the layers were the interdimensional realms her friend was perceiving. When I was a child, I was raised with the understanding that I am psychic. And, I knew that her friend who was Autistic was also psychic but could not verbalize it like I could verbalize.

I read more about being High Functioning Autistic also called Aspergers. During my reading, I discovered several traits I had growing up. I talked and walked early. My mom used to say, “Your problem is that you started walking too early. You should have kept crawling.” It used to drive my mom nuts that I repeated things that she said. I started reading at age three years old. I recall my parents having sex when I was a baby. I have said before that I recalled choosing my mother. I spent inordinate time alone. I would either hide under the bed, in the clothes hamper, in the closet or out in a field of high growing wild grasses. I preferred to be alone to think about my sensory experiences. I would work through making sense of my day by recalling my memory of events and trying to learn from them. I often had dreams of being naked at school. Now, I am seeing that I felt vulnerable. My mom used to say that I was so sensitive. I did not know what she meant. I always say that being in love with my best friend whom I met at a high school drama party was the best thing that ever happened to me. That was the first time I could share experiences not just talking but also in dreaming. My relationship validated my childhood astral experiences, dream guides and spiritual teachers in my family as well as Mary Calhoun who was my meditation teacher in high school.

Reading accounts by women who have HFA or Aspergers, deciding to read a few of their books, I realized that there are people who are like me yet they grew up in other types of families. Both sides of my family have very psychic traditions. One tradition is Indigenous and the other Christian Mysticism. So, I had a buffet table of religious and spiritual teachings. I imagine that a child who is psychic and has HFA/Aspergers most typically does not have the plethora of mysticism to meditation, spiritual and religious to shamanic training. This realization has led me to realize what you meant when you once said, “I think we are talking about the same thing but differently.” I thought you could not understand me. I felt that you would never really understand how I feel and why I think about the world.

You had started to tell me that I was “projecting” when I was trying to explain how and why I felt emotionally connected to an issue I felt needed to be addressed. I did not have words to explain what I was sensing and feeling and why I was experiencing it. For me, it was a psychic, karmic and spiritual experience. I have many words to draw from. I have a vast range of verbal communication. Yet, to be able to describe complex psychic emotionally laden extra sensory perceptions is not simple nor easy to explain. And, I felt I had reached a dead end of communication with you. I did not feel that you had the patience to handle what I had to say and so I left the conversation hang at that. It was not the end of the reality. I had reached the end of being able to explain what I felt and why in terminology you could understand. And, then, I felt that I needed to stop talking to you.

I felt that if you could not understand that I can experience my own memories, track memory patterns and emotional patterns, knowing that I am experiencing complex time space patterns while also being aware of sensing the memory and emotional patterns of another person, separate mine to delineate the boundaries to compare and contrast, then you would think I was crazy vs psychic. Being psychic can drive anyone crazy. I have had to spend countless hours alone, allowing my body and mind to be still to understand my own extra sensory experiences and sort through them to make sense of them.

Consider this, you are in a dream. There is audio, visual, sense of touch, taste, smell and feelings and emotions. Most people cannot wake up in a dream and become lucid. The data is interlaced with complex patterns of emotional and sensory experience. Yet, I had dream guides when I was a child. I was trained how to wake up in dreams, how to control my dreams, how to make sense of my dreams and how to operate as an individual within my own dreams as well as enter the dreams of others and interact with them in their dreams.

Then, consider this, after Near Death Experiences, Astral experiences since childhood, and Going to the Light in my early twenties, I was given a set of teachings to be able to navigate through space, time and spacetime as well as the Light. As a being, I became a spirit guide. As a human being, I have all the needs everyone else has too. I just need a lot of space and time alone to manage my spacetime realities of experience. I knew when we were discussing issues of power, we were coming from opposite sides of a spectrum of awareness and experience. I knew that you had been learning about the same issues I had been learning but had a difference vantage point. Now, I am seeing that your views are coming nearly the exact opposite of mine. Mine are coming from the spiritual realm landing on the earth realm and yours from the earth realm to spiritual realm. And, that is what you told me when you said, “You are flying and I am earthling.”

You had aroused my suspicion that you had bought into the terminology of Psychology. I rarely use words that I feel will box a person into a label. My goal has been to set people’s minds, hearts and souls free. I felt that you could not fathom that my work, my spiritual work opens people to their real selves vs. labels. And, that also when people feel free, they can and do feel a reason to live and that is grounding. They stop needing to search and seek outside of them selves. They find the inner peace and solace. Yet, I did realize soon after we stopped talking, that you were working on healing others and that was your goal. I just did not feel you could understand my awareness of using shamanic techniques to reach the same goals. I thought we would be trying to communicate and argue over the terminology. I felt that not understanding each other points of views would cause us to not be able to understand and yet be emotionally wounded by feeling a need to be understood. I did not want to feel emotionally and psychically attached and rejected at the same time. It took me some months to realize that you felt that same way. We both felt misunderstood and rejected. I did try to break through to you and tell you that if we could get through and communicate, we would have an amazing relationship. I knew that if we could verbalize our points of view and share them, we would have amazing conversations. I kept holding onto that vision of reality. I know that I work harder and try harder to understand a meaningful relationship whether I am going through emotional hell, confusion and pain to understand. One of the most amazing things about me is that I work through relationship issues where everyone else has left the stage and gone onto new dramas. From that perspective, I was challenging you to understand your self as deep as you could ever imagine because I would continually open new ways for you to explore your soul. I thought I could create a boundary so that you could do your own explorations and I could do my own. For the most part, that remained true except I would have a bleed over from your soul to mine. Then, I had to understand why I needed to understand you more and more.

One thing that you do not know is that I had to go through a tremendous soul crisis during college which shook me to the core. I spent all my time and energy either meditating or studying. My core studies were in Philosophy where I learned how to decode the Ancient Metaphysics. I began to correlate my own emotional, psychic and spiritual experiences with the Platonic School and beyond. I had to understand my experiences and be able to make sense of them. Before that, I spoke in metaphors. I could speak like other people but when I was opening to speak from my soul, I used dream images, visual and auditory imagery. My friends were artists and musicians primarily. To break free from being misunderstood, I had to learn how others used words. So, I broke through language barriers to learn to communicate more clearly and precisely. Some people give me the feedback that I am very scientific. I am. I think very clearly and precisely even in my dreams. I learned to understand logic of dreaming and visions. So, it seems that I am not emotional when in fact, I am very precise. However, emotional are like tidal waves. Some are Tsunamis in the spectrum of from one through ten.

When I am emotionally overwhelmed, I am on overload. That is when I will become silent and not be able to speak. And, that happened the last time we were really trying to communicate clearly. The emotions that came took me several months and up to a year to understand. Even after the wave hit me, I had to delve into the aftermath of meaningful emotions and feelings. I did not know you well enough to openly share those depths of my soul. You experienced me not being able to communicate. You took that personally. I could not even explain what was going on at all. But since you were taking it personal, I felt that you were going to go on your own emotional roller coaster because I could not handle the intensity of what I felt. Once your feelings were hurt too, I felt that you would merely blame me. And, I felt that we both were hitting our boundaries of self-awareness. I knew it was not just me. I did not want us to both get caught in a whirl pool of blaming each other.

Our first inclination was to blame each other. Meanwhile, I knew I was wrong in blaming you but I could not even help myself to stop it. So, I felt that you also could not help yourself to stop it either. I felt that the only way for both of us to break out of blaming each other was to cut off communication so that we both could break our patterns on our own without feeling the need to defend our positions. If we could both get to a point where we realized there was nothing to blame each other about, then we could both break free from feeling a need to protect our feelings. I did not feel that it was negative. I felt it was the positive solution to breaking free from an emotional pattern we were mirroring.

I felt guided to break us out of our own emotional pattern of emotional withdrawal. I knew that your gut reaction would be to cut me off. Instead of cutting me off or me cutting you off, I gave you the permission to cut me off by daring you to do it. If you could see that I am just as stubborn as you, that cutting me off is not going to hurt or penalize me, that I can go on merely my own, processing on my own, not needing hand holding from you, not needing you to validate how I feel about you or myself, and that I can keep on healing regardless, then you could get to this point where you could realize: fuck, that emotional pattern just does not work at this stage of inner growth so I better figure out how to let it go. Being that I knew you are as stubborn as me, challenging you to be as stubborn and emotionally withholding as I can be caused me to work on my own realization: fuck, that emotional pattern sucks and I better get to the core of it before I am single for life.

Restating, I knew that we both had an emotional pattern we mirrored to each other. We both brought it to each other’s attention in different ways. But we both knew we were going to hit it at some point, soon rather than later as it turned out. I knew that this was the core issue we both had to release to get to the last, the final relationship. It was the one holding us back because we both know too much about relationship but our stubborn holding onto our own power, our own sense of identity was preventing us both from being in long term relationship and maintaining it. But, I will add this: I am also quite aware that we both also needed to feel understood. And, not feeling understood in relationship has been a barrier for me since my first one. The soul growth I made after my first relationship ended leap frogged me into the Light Realms. That catapulted me ahead of the soul evolution of my partners thereafter. I did feel legitimately misunderstood. But now I have to leave the emotional pain behind me and open to understanding new ways of seeing myself as well others. I am now beginning to see that there are people who can understand much of what I understand but from another angle. Yet, they would also love to understand all that I know. I am seeing a new beginning in ways to communicate and new communities to share within to bridge our world views.

I understood that people with Autism could be psychic. Now I understand that they are at least empathic and may be also be psychic in other ways like myself. I can understand that people who did not know that they were psychic and grew up with labels need do understand what being psychic means for their growth and self-acceptance. And, I learned it the hard way but we all fall often when we were leaning to walk. I would never have listened. I had to feel guided to be led to understand. Now, I am willing to listen.

Namaste,