I have finally written a letter to one of the most important Light Beings in my life. No, not my mother. We are on speaking terms. However, three dreams beginning last October, opened me to communicate with this One. This One is the pivotal Light Being with whom I met as a Light Being in 1992. I always write about this relationship in abstract terms, some details but usually never considering that we could, would or should ever be on speaking terms again. One would think that maybe I am so hurt that this One never reaches out to me. In fact, reality is so much more complex than that. I can state that I was always open to being receptive to meeting her the first night we met at a Halloween party in 1992.
I felt her presence in a darkened corner of the room. I could not see her, had walked past her, and then followed my inner guidance to walk back to the corner of the room, stick out my hand, and introduce myself. We began dating. We both had been telepathic not only with each other but our past partners who were also at that time, our best friends. My first partner had moved into the San Francisco Bay Area. I moved to Northern California-wine country within an hour of the coast. Her best friend and her were together that night. She brought up being telepathic. I had been psychic all of my life. That was breathe of fresh air. From experience, I knew that most of the women I met in town before and after were not psychic. Some of our mutual best friends became spiritual based on our friendships. However, the experiences between us were amazing. We dated for one month and then first she freaked out. I kept working holding onto her, trying to gain some ground by checking on her regularly. However, she went into a state of fear. And, after months, I was in fear with her yet we could not speak but for brief periods of time. When we did speak, it was core to core. We knew we both could feel and understand each other. Yet, we were both stuck in the fear of the meaning of our relationship. I have written about this often over some years. This relationship had every element of the Twin Flame Union. Yet, I let go of trying to communicate with her when she married a man.
Everyone wants the relationship we had in the early 1990s yet there nothing but one book about Twin Souls. All the teachings about Soul Mates had been out there but noting was written, spoken or taught about what happens when two souls meet, sense each other telepathically, experience mutual dreams, past lives, future lives and meet as two Beings of Light. No one could explain to me what was going on with us. We were trying to cope with our own psychic experiences when we met each other. Then, we triggered each other through to the core of our Light Beings. We met on and off which never felt random yet was never planned. They say, if you are meant to be together, you will come together. That happened again, and again, again over three years. More than that happened, more than I feel necessary to write again. We met in dreams, visions and in the Light. The fact is that we were both terrified of our own power. We both felt and thought we were controlling the other. At times, we felt controlled by the other. Neither of us was in control. And, this felt as if we were crazy. That plus all the visions, voices and dreams shifting us both through the parallel dimensions of our souls. Yes, we did know that we were time traveling. Yes, we knew we were psychic. Yet, we had no guidance outside of our own Light Beings. But there was not much about Light Beings. There was nothing that really explained what Light Beings feel like and what we do when we realize we are experiencing being Light Beings.
The fact of the matter is that we had all the signs of a Twin Flame relationship, no accessible teachings, no teachers and no basis of understanding our experiences with each other. Add to that fact, we were both women. There was nothing but a few lines here and there about same sex soul mates. Twin Souls, it was against the teachings that had come out in 1993. Here we were having the most fantastical, amazing experiences of being in the Light as two beings in Love with no validation from the world-none. Same sex marriage would not become a national issue for almost two decades. I accepted that the immortal love that we had with and for each other was real yet in our world banned. For this, I dedicated my life to taking people to the Light.
By 2005, I was done with sacrificing me self, heart and soul to take others to the Light. I needed and wanted my Twin Flame. I felt that I had given enough people teachings to be able to work as healers around and about California. I had some international students and was working toward traveling around the world to teach teachers who can take people to the Light. I began to teach lesbians about Twin Souls, Soul Flames, Twin Flames in order for our lesbian communities around the world to begin to process the course we would need to take to end the constant misinformation campaign about our spiritual realities, our needs as souls, our relationships, our Spiritual Unions. By 2007, I gave up all up all public work to work strictly in private. I had to meditate, go to the Light and stay tuned to the teachings that would culminate over the course of preparing a new set of Twin Flame teachings to come out of our soul groups around the world.
By 2014, I had begun the process of working within the lesbian soul groups to bring Soul Mates, Twin Souls, Soul Flames and Twin Flames together from within the astral realms. I was astral traveling to work with them in order to awaken them to the means and ways of preparing for broader scale of understanding sex relationships which would end the religious banning of Same Sex Soul Union. I was working night and day, in the astral and waking hours to cross these bridges through time and space around the world. y 2015, I had realized that I was reaching a point where I was being guided more and more to open my work to the public again. It has a slow process as I would be under critical and judgmental attack as well as religious attack. I had to make sure that all the beings around the world were prepared to handle this wave of releasing our relationships within the spiritual communities. We had to be synchronized in soul groups to handle the backlash.
This past year, I had been processing the various merging processes I has been through since my first adult relationship where my partner and I merged as two astral beings into the Light. This very first relationship set the pace for all other relationships in my lifetime. The second relationship opened me to being a Being of Light. The fact that we could not handle the energetics of what it meant, how it felt, when and where and why unleashed many lessons which would take me two decades to unravel and discover answers to my soul’s questions. The fact she married a man had left me to let go of ever considering speaking to her. It would be one thing if she was in the lesbian community. Yet, to have a friend who is a lesbian who one has discovered the meaning of being a Being of God, Source, Light? What husband would think that was okay? His partner had this Spiritual Union with another Woman? No religion would validate that. And, yet what religion would validate a marriage that was not a Sacred Union? As for the ancient meaning of sacred? None. When can you complete Spiritual Union when you partner has already begun the process with another partner? All the Twin Souls teachings teach that there are only Soul Mates except one, the one I read in 1993. I knew that we could have more than one Twin Soul. I assumed that she was a Twin Soul. But how would I know? How do you know for certain? All I knew was that she was married to a man and that I had moved hours away, separated myself from our mutual friends, gained as much time and distance so that we could and would not be tempted to have an affair outside her marriage. I did what any Twin Soul would do, respect the marriage of my own Twin Soul. And, pray that she is not the One.
I did that and moved through my life with a focus on my own spiritual path and relationships which followed. By 2014, I realized that I had to focus on one intentional issue: I had to discover how to discern which Twin Soul, Soul Flame is the my Twin Flame? I asked the Light for guidance. I was guided from Soul Mates to Soul Flames. The lessons I learned was from interacting with them both verbally and astrally. That process was intense as memories and emotions emerged to process. I spent so much time in a heart and body pain, I thought I was going to die. It seemed like the process was never going to end. Yet, I have been through that more than a few times in my life. I had not been able to get as close to the answers to my questions as I have since the last few years. I have had amazing experiences. And, I have resolved lessons that needed to be completed. Some lessons have had many layers. New realizations have shifted me toward what I have been more recently accepting. I can no longer protect my self from one woman who is married. Dreams began in October 2015. I was stunned at what she communicated to me. I processed that and shifted into being aware that her Light Being was giving me the meaning of the Twin Flame Union. She was giving me the final key. I had keys but this was the one that opened the astral to the physical world. As all things with my Twin Soul, she is always a mirror of my self. I know what she knows. She knows what I know. When we would talk, it felt like a boomerang effect. I gave up talking to her because she would not believe that I understood her and had to explain to me what I was telling her. I was shocked and stunned that she would not understand that I was telling her the same in reverse. It would be one thing if were talking about apples and oranges. But we were talking about experiences in dreams and the Light. We were discovering the same things but using different words. That as unnerving for me and for her. It felt like we were talking at each other when we were really talking through each other. It was a time of self-discovery, awakening and being awakened. We were learning and triggering each other to learn what would become knowledge.
In the dreams I had with her, I was not thinking that we needed, should or could speak again. I was used to twenty two years of silence which on my end, I began. She was the original runner. I was the original pursuer. Then she changed tactics and began to open to speaking to me at parties and various social places. By that time, I could not speak. I needed to feel her presence. She would sit next to me. We both knew what that felt like. She would try to talk to me and I could not speak. By that time, I had so many experiences with her in the Light, I had no way of discussing them. We had in fact discussed them at times, except I could never tell her that we were Two Beings of Light. I could never tell her that I felt like I was in love with her as God. I was sitting next to the Presence of God while God was trying to get me to talk. I could not do it. The idea of being with her in the physical, knowing we both were telepathic, had mutual dreams which were normal for me, knowing that I had merged as an astral being with my first partner in the Light, I could not imagine the intensity and immensity of having a physical, emotional, intentional relationship with God.
People often complain that their Twin Flame relationship issues are immense. Yet, the ultimate torture is to have a Twin Flame who is not only married but is married in a sanctioned marriage whereas if you are together yours is not sanctioned as a real, viable, reality. To this end, I had endeavored to cross this final bridge. After three dreams with her telling me what our relationship means to both of us, to heal both of us, to clarify for both us that we both know the meaning, I finally had to start processing how we can communicate. For certain, I respect her relationship. For certain, there is a purpose for her to communicate to me. For certain, if I am having these dreams, she is feeling them if not having them. That is a given evidenced for the years we tested each other to know that we were not alone in our experiences with each other. I felt like an angel in the wings of her life. When she needed me, I would arrive. When she needed healing, I was there in the astral. I felt that I was Eros the God of Love and Light and she was Psyche half mortal, half immortal. When I found out she married to a man, I was done. I could no longer stay around in the wings. I had to move on. I had to have other commitments to other souls. I had to complete my fate to heal others in the Light. I assumed that we only met to aid us completing our journey on separate paths back to the Light. I never expected her to come to me again and give me messages about our soul evolution. What it means to have lived a lifetime apart, and tell me what is the most important thing I need to know about love.
I was not seeking this explanation from her. She was the last person that I felt had the answers to my questions about seeking my final and ultimate partner. She is and has been married, not the same man as when I left her world but married never the less. The intensity in which she made it clear, and my response to her in the dream gave me reason to pause, meditate and ask questions, seeking answers. That I did and emerged with a very healthy and mature state of feeling at east and comfortable about Twin Flame relationships. Her presence merged into mine to give me the courage and strength to overcome the fear that had been holding me back. The core of her message: accept love. It seems simple and easy. Not as if I have never accepted love. Yet, it was not the words, it was the intention. I felt her feeling right through me, merging through me to release the final fear of allowing myself merge my mortal with my immortal being into One Life, One Relationship, One Union. Yet, she was married. So, I took that as being another angel, a messenger from my Soul Group, from the One Light Being who mirrored me in this life long path to understand our experience of Light Beings meant. I spent most of my adult life time working on learning how to accept, handle and teach others how to accept and handle being Light Beings.
Yet, the One Light Being who opened with me on this path, she was married to a man. I refused to be friends as I could not handle the Light. We could both see and feel the Light. It was visceral, real, immense and intense. She could walk any step toward me any where and I could feel her coming toward me. She could call me from any where and I would show up. I felt her imminent death, I asked my boss to leave work. I surrounded her in light, her death was averted by seconds she told me days later. Yet, I could not tell her that I had opened to the Light on her behalf and altered her fate. Our fates were intertwined in a way that I could not describe to her, explain nor deny. So when she married, I could no longer be any where near any one, place or thing that reminded me of her. I removed my self from her world, traveled out of country, came back and moved far enough away to never cross her path again. That is how I protected my heart and soul from being in her vicinity, under any influence of our relationship.
This year, I was finally moving toward accepting that I had to remain open to all the loves of my life in the Light. That no one I love can hide or run and that although I faced it, I had not yet faced that with her. I had not allowed my love for her to benefit either of us in our lives, in our lifetime. We have lived separate paths. We have moved through time and space. Yet, we had not been able to share the discoveries we made with each other. We had not been able to communicate the power of the love we shared with each other. We had not figured out how to handle that power of love and light. In our own worlds, we are both well loved. We are both in our power and have been since we were young. We have both been on the same time line, her a year younger. We both moved through more than one deep long term relationship. We both know the meaning of love and light. There are a lot of things that are similar and lot different. I cannot see her leaving her world. She has always been in her world, known the same friends over a lifetime. She has always been grounded in her life after we worked through the core soul issues of growing through our painful realizations of self-acceptance of our power. I do not see her life changing because we are communicating within dreams. I do not see her altering her path merely because I am single and she is not. I have had to meditate on these issues.
I have been able to cross the bridge of lack of communication with all of my major past partners, all my long term partners. I have communicated with them either by mail, email, phone or in person–more than a few all three. I have processed all the core issues I have worked throughout time and space with all partners. She and I could never be partners. We could never get beyond, knowing, feeling, seeing, hearing each other so intensely that it felt like a microphone feedback loop. We reflected the Light to the nth degree. And, it was not lessoning over time. I had to focus on the Light as a means of entering the Light as my meditation and prayer practice. The closer I became to the Light, the more I wanted and needed to be closer to the Light. By 2014, I felt that there was no partner in the world that I needed and wanted other than another Being of Light. I need and want a partner who can handle being in the Light–with me. I do not want to escape to the Light. I want to feel Union in the Light. As it became more and more clear to me what this would feel like, it has become more and more clear to me that this One represents what a Twin Flame means and feels like to me. She is the One experience that altered my views on relationship, commitment, Union in God, the Source, the Light.
It had not dawned on me, prior to this past week and dream I had with her, that she had the answers to my final questions. All this time, I merely felt that she and I were immortal beings who were teaching each other. At that time, I had thought that she was my Twin Flame. After she married, I stopped believing that. I entered another relationship and merged in my Gold Light Being from the waist down. So, I thought since we merged as Light Beings, she was my Twin Flame. Yet, during that merging process, my Light Being said, “This is the last time we shall ever make love.” For years, I did not believe that. I thought that meant only for that time not forever. Yet, in 2014, I began to communicate with her. Yes, she felt the merge. We knew we had shared dreams for nearly twenty years by that time. But she was not the One. She was nowhere near mentally, emotionally and psychically prepared for being with me as a Light Being. The Light would once again cause her another meltdown which took her twenty years to process from the first time we were together as a couple. She was not at all prepared for another change at delving directly into the Light. She has been working on the issues that came up since we began speaking again. She will take years to heal all the things she needs to heal. And, her life will not change for me. She will not alter her path. We can never live together as we want and need separate things. That became clear early on that year for me. For her, I had to keep helping her see that I was on another path. We were too different to merge again. Further merging would everything in her life path. And, she would fight that all the way. I needed and wanted a partner who would not fight me dissolving into the Light. The words given to me in the dreams in the past year have rocked my world. She shook me out of not knowing how to resolve the Twin Flame Union.
My challenge: it is not about altering or changing her world. It is about accepting her in all the love that I have always felt, allowing her to love me all the ways that she has always felt, and being able and willing to present in the human form. Basically, end my life long avoidance of her presence being in the far periphery of my life, living two hours away, knowing that we are never far in spirit, mind, heart and soul, and accepting that she also would always want me to be happily married. We have both never interfered with each other’s other relationships. One time, she said, “J., we are always going live in this country. We can get married any time.” That time for me ended when she got married. I could never marry any one until same sex marriage was legal. In 1992, that was a dream which I worked with countless people behind the scenes to make come true. Other Twin Flames fight themselves. We have had to fight the world. In so doing, it is possible that mine may never be available for me. Or, it is possible that the only One who can make it possible, the One who loves me unconditionally in all the ways one Light Being can love another Light Being, she may be the only One who can aid me to manifest the last One. Maybe our friendship may be the One which will open the Light Realms again to me. That is the challenge: to be friends or not to be.
I have been merging in the Light. I will continue to merge into Light. One way or another, my path to the Light will result in the Twin Flame Union. I have always been on the path: I will always be on the path. I can enter the Light. I can take others into Light. I am One in Light. When I enter relationship, I will already be in Union as One.