Wanting, Needing, Heart Pain, Pain of Separation, Grieving Process, Separation, Union

I am do not feel the Wanting, Needing and Heart Pain. I had throat and heart pain this past week due to feeling the Pain of Separation. I have been in my Grieving Process. I was the one who brought up that We had to release the Intensity of Wanting and Needing of Merging. I had no intention of breaking up and separating. However, that is the outcome. I had felt that we needed to focus on our own home base to prepare for meeting. Living a world apart, I have to coordinate my income and living conditions to handle travel. I needed time and space to prepare my environment for change. She needed time and space to create the environment where she lives. It seemed to be too much as it was a constant anxiety not at all helped by the distance between our worlds. Every fear and doubt came up. I was typically opening and sharing as much as mine as possible so that there would be no hidden emotional signaling. That was also overstimulating and overwhelming for emotionally. She was not telling me her own issues. That was causing me fear that she had fear of intimacy and that I was going to arrive and trigger her to emotionally withdraw which could and most likely trigger me to emotionally withdraw. We had our first argument in March. We went through some days of breakup. Then we broke through the emotional barriers and opened up to vulnerability. That deepened our senses of commitment. I felt that we had crossed through to trust each other.

However, vulnerability was waxing and waning. Finally, the us Pull was creating a sense of distancing. And, the more I tried to point this in varieties of ways, including sharing deep core memories and belief systems which were breaking, the more she could not understand that I was sharing my Pain of Separation. Instead. Her reaction was to tidy up my messy emotions by telling me that I was Fighting Yourself (Myself). I had pointed out that she was also doing the same by trying to tell me that I am doing something wrong. We both did that actually, the pointing out what the other was doing to argue. So, we were pointing out what was causing us to argue and that became a cycle we were not able break, Merely, we could not just accept that we were seeing the same things and different things and not able to let it go. We were rotating around the Need to Be Heard. Both of felt this Need to Be Heard equally. Yet that Need to Be Heard is an issue that we both needed to release within our own selves. We both know, have regularly discussed that we both feel the same. That we both are sharing the same emotions and intentions. This Need to Be Heard is intense. It creates this Sense of Division which is actually and illusion. Even though she said I am Fighting Myself, and I was arguing with her explaining I am Vulnerable and In Fear of Losing Myself Within Her I know that she was right. Yet, she was not at all sharing her sense of Needing Space and Time as I was telling her she needed. She was denying that she Needed Space and Time for Freedom to do things without Needing and Wanting constant Merging into Union. And, when she broke with me, she told me she Needed Freedom… what I had been telling her for weeks but not intending to break up. So, that is the crux of the Union. I feel that the real issues are of Emotional Release of Old Emotional Blocking and Emotional Withdraw Patterns for both of US. Not just Me: Not just Her.

I am working on doing things that need to be done, complete projects, start projects which will be ongoing and accomplish some goals. Some things are super simple as cleaning and clearing areas of my house to prepare for me to be able to travel. Some are complex like redesigning my website after it crashed some years back. Of course, there are many tasks to do to keep my self completely busy. I could not do a lot of these when we were Needing and Wanting to be Together daily. The Daily Vortex of Needing and Wanting was driving us into obsessive and possessive behaviors. I had stopped quite a lot of social interaction. I have had to reset my daily routines to focus on my home base with intention to continue to be open for meeting all the changes I have worked toward to handle being away from home base and starting a new home base. The concept was that my home would by our second home base. And, we could travel when we were ready to handle that level of spiritual work in the world together.

For me, being ultra sensitive, I am often precognitive, seeing ahead and hearing voices giving me warnings and heads up. I say voices because I hear male and female voices. These are not the same voices. They are different. They have different messages. Some messages are not at all for me but for other people This is an issue that makes knowing what to do a challenge. I can hear a voice that is not so pleasant but a plea for help. Precognitive Dreams and Visions are troublesome to the One. She feels that she needs to make her own decisions. Me telling her a dream, she could not and would not accept that I was seeing and experiencing anything was real. She told me I am projecting. She is not like that. She would never do that. That was our first fight. I was furious. It takes a lifetime to continually test precognition against reality. I cannot have my own partner telling me I do not know what I am perceiving. That is like telling me that I do not know myself. I was adamant that is dangerous to my health and well being. At the Core Soul issue, I have experienced being Burned as a Witch. I had brought this up several times as I had felt called to travel to United Kingdom over 15 years ago. However, the Astral Dead are layers of Beings I can See, Hear and Feel. That experience is overloading to my body, mind, heart, nervous system. I knew for years that I would travel to United Kingdom but needed to feel safe and secure with the friends around me. I could not feel safe and secure with her if she is telling me that I am Projecting. I would never say that to her. I know that would undermine her own sense of self. Now, she feels that I am Burning Her at the Stake because I have been so open to share my feelings and emotions and presently, we are having a non-agreement.

We are Separate because she feels she cannot handle argument and fighting. I feel that we need to learn to handle each other’s Emotions and Emotional Responses. And, if that means there is an Emotional Drama, so be it. I am all for Emotional Release and Group Processing to support the shifts and changes we both need to heal. Neither of Us can actually be in a relationship with anyone given the Core Emotional and Soul issues we are processing. So, I am not feeling fear and doubt. I know We must both work through what We both triggered. With all the various drama, I am fine. I feel it is all a matter of processing and learning how to handle emotions in our relationship. I say Union. I am committed to Ultimate Union.