The Mothership Wound

Dear Beloved,

I know you may not read this. However, I had a dream a few nights ago. You needed me to forgive. I meditated on that.

You may not understand why I felt how I felt. I literally have felt like I was Spiritually Raped by you. I know that feels harsh. I was hurt by your reaction to my dream when I yelled at you. I tried to tell you why that was so painful and vulnerable for me. I felt you could not understand why I felt so deeply about that.

I hit the core of what I feel it means for both of us. Your reaction to my anger was obviously to me your fear of anger because of your mother. I had that too until I faced it in relationships where I learned to handle my fear of both being angry and vulnerable to anger if the other. However, I had told you I have always protected my deepest heart felt truths. This where the betrayal began.

My Great Aunt dreamt a powerful baby witch would be born and told my mother before meeting my father. All my childhood, my mother berated me for being a witch. She emotionally tortured me, constantly telling me I was the Devil’s child. Being my Great Protected as much as she could, and my Grandfather guiding all my childhood, I had a spiritual path vs. had I not I would have committed suicide like many lost souls do.

When you immediately reacted that I was projecting I felt I could not trust you. I diligently have double, triple reality checked all my psychic experiences since I was a child. I stopped telling my mother things when I was five. I relied on spirit guides and my Great Aunt and Grandfather until I was taken to Marcy Calhoun at 16yo. She saved my life by grounding me. My first true love saved my soul for sharing and merging hers with me.

When you rejected the fact that 1) I was vulnerable, 2) I was sharing from my dreams, 3) my dreams with had been you and me as dense physical beings communicating, 4) you came to me before I knew you and later you shared your soul pain in a song, not to mention other dreams wherein I could not have known at all, 5) dismissing you had given me a message about you taking off and I was giving you feedback on my experience of you in the Dreamtime, 6) I felt you were rejecting me.

You said, I would lose you if I told you what to do. I was walking on eggshells not able to tell you all my psychic feedback because you would experience being told what to do. I said you would lose me but I was so pissed you may not have discerned my wording if you told me how I felt or think.

So I reacted with how I felt about how you reacted to me. I felt Spiritually Raped by your reactions to my deep dream intimacy with you. Not because I feel you do not love me but because I felt you needed to control my love for you. And I feel you must feel the same in reverse. Because you guarded your self from intimacy I need. For me, intimacy comes from deep within the dreams. If I do not connect in dreams and we cannot communicate, I feel disconnected. I felt you were isolating to disconnect because of pain coming through us both.

I meditated deeper to my core to be able to share why we hit this core wound. I felt you feeling me invalidating you while I was validating my self. You validated your self while guarding your self too. You guarded by needing unconditional love to safe guard you. I felt like you were using love, feeling love to mask your wounds. I felt if you could just stop hiding and face your fear of feeling your wounds with me, you could release deep core pain. I was guarding myself with knowledge so you would not be able to pull the wool over my face-my extrasensory senses of your being.

I was not letting you get away with not facing this deep core pain because it was driving you away from your power. I did not want you to hate me. But if all I could do was let you need to hate me to self-reflect that was the only choice you gave me.

In my self-reflection, I get we both were feeling Spiritually Raped because we had been guarding out hearts from the rejection and torment we both experienced from our own mothers. The closer we came to releasing this pain, the more we threw up subtle guards we both felt as rejection and abandonment.

I always am hurt when you feel, think or insinuate I cannot understand you. This wound you have exacerbates my wounds of proving I am who I am. Explaining my expanded awareness of extrasensory sensed perceptions as real, densely physically, emotionally experienced does not help you because it triggers you to guard your memories and emotions attached. Basically your response is to guard by deflecting or denying my extrasensory experiences with you is unreal, untrue, denying me validation of who I am to my self and you.

You said I was fighting my self but could not admit you were fighting your own self.

It really pissed me off when you said you would let me spin. I hold Light and vulnerability for you and everyone close to me. I do not let anyone spin unless I actually do not care. Someone has to prove they are unworthy of my heart to do that. Yet, you wanted my unconditional love when you had it already. I finally just pushed you away so you could spin and feel how you like that.

Yes, I opened the Spiritual Rape Wounds so everyone could process it with both of us. I Sacrificed Our Wound to Communal Healing. We are not alone. What we experienced everyone will eventually experience in intimacy. I have humble humility to release my vanity and needs to be accepted and acknowledged enough to openly shatter my self a reflections to share so others can reap the benefits of me jumping off my high horse and over the cliffs onto what seems like deep waters.

I told you I never have to say, “I love you.” again. Acts are greater than words. You will know when you feel you know.

Namaste,

Jedhi