Willing and Able

I learned to meditate by tuning into all the senses of my body. So, I do not do chakra system meditation. I focos on every sensation and pay attention to any feeling and emotion arising.

From there, I can tune in with My inner ears and eyes. In 1995, I made a break through. I was focusing on fear I my heart. I was considering breaking up with the little did I know then would be a major love if my.life. I told her what I was considering and she asked me to think about it. So, I was meditating on my Heart. Next, I found my self as a pointing awareness. That part was not new.

The new part was seeing an electrical webbing of Gold fibers of Light. The question I had asked for my meditation was this: “What am I afraid of?” I knew I was inside of my Heart. I hovered inside my Golden Plasmic Heart. I felt Joy.

By the end of our relationship when she ran and hid in fear, not ever actually breaking uo with me but just dropping off the map, I experienced us as Gold Plasma Light Beings, merging up to the waist. I woke out of that in intense soul pain.

It should be no wonder that when I recant the depth of Heart, Soul, and Light Beings, I am having spiritual experiences which are painful as well as ecstatic. It should be no wonder that I am single as of yet. My experiences of being a human are not for the faint of heart. No former partner would disagree.

All of my relationships are bound in soul connection. After reading the Seven Levels of Intimacy again, I realize that although my relationships are always spiritual and soul based, I have been evolving to release Wants vs Needs.

Each relationship, my Wants were less as I have up unnecessary ideals, goals, earthly possessions. As I let go of Wants, I was pitted against Needs. In my case, I have to give up ideals of Capitolism from which I was raised. I realized early that earthly possessions weighed me down, usurped energy.

I left the Grid and went Off Grid. That challenged each partner. As I opened my realizations to partners who explored living Off Grid with me. So, much of my relationships have been a mutual exploration of letting go of the Modern World Wants and shifting to the Old World Needs.

Living on the Edge of Worlds, World Values, I emphasized my Dreams and Astral Experiences. I allowed my self to feel guided. Partners were also on board until hitting their Edge of Perceptual expansion. That left me continuing my own process on my own. My entire adult life of relationship has been an Evolutionary Soul Process. I have had discussions about Soul Evolution with former partners. I had gauged my Soul Growth with Soul Matesans Soul Flames through deep discussions comparing and contrasting our individual growth.

I leave no pain orders unexamined. After self-reflection, becoming aware of my own feelings and emotions, I open my self to communicate about my discoveries. Fortunately, I began in my first relationship. Over time, I have learned a tremendous amount about Self and Other.

There is less guess work about and from within relationship. Yet I have been adjusting to the bare essence, the bare essential truth of being aware and responsible to communicate clearly and not so clearly is a full on sense of being authentic and real. There is no hiding behind an Open Heart.

I had to understand what it would feel like to open my Heart all the time without fear of people outside of my relationship crossing boundaries, creating tension, criticising, judging, making intimacy difficult to manage from within a relationship. Last year, I opened my Heart Light to share with the World. I realized that my Twin Flame and I are on the path of Sharing vs Covering our Heart Light.

I have learned a great deal over the past year. Light coming through me magnetized and catalyzed various people. I was handling a lot of processing with others. Then I got to a standstill of realization, I needed to focus manifesting my Twin Flame relationship. I accomplished core healing issues with several people and groups. This process opened me to understand the emotional impact my spiritual work has on others outside one on one relationship as well as holding boundaries again and again. Opening my Heart Light, I opened vulnerable soul connections with richer depth of experience.

I have discussed being extra-sensitive yet I always need to emphasize the sensory experience as visceral. In order to open to more sensory experience, I had to heal the fear of feeling pain of others. To be understood, I repeat the fact that my experiences of feeling other people’s trauma has been palpable and real for me. Experiences of other people’s traumatic memories has been daunting. I have had to face fear in so many variations exhaustive to my physical body. Because of that, I require a partner who is aware of and holds space and time for my internal shifts from self awareness to other. Meanwhile, I have only wanted to experience my self with a partner. Being psychic has been a challenge. My Twin Flame is My Ultimate Challenge. No one can handle being One on One Psychic and Not Feel the Light from Within without Intention, Focus and Heart.

Admittedly, I did not believe anyone could keep up with me as a Human opening to My Light Being. My first first hurdle to have faith in another Human can handle processing the Light with me as a Soul. The second was to release all of my fear of being manipulative and manipulated because of my vulnerability was a challenge to my Power. Those were no small feats. I had to open my Heart and submerge into depths of my life experiences of fear. I had to open every crevice hiding in my Heart. That was painfilled. Those releases fleshed out my fear of Being Loved. I had to open to my Core Soul Needs. That opened me to realize I had to let go of the Fear of Being Loved, Heard, Seen, Felt as feel my own self. I am so sensitive and I can only expect a partner to be so sensitive. Else, I have no interest.

And, my sensitivity spectrum had to match my behavior. I had outgrow my thought patterns coupled with my memory emotional patterns to shift and change so my Outer Self Reflects my Inner Self. Also, that was no party. Well, it was a big party. I invited past partners and other friends to process all these issues with me. Meanwhile, I made my Heart available to their processes. So, yes I did have an International Intimacy Processing Party for a year. I was leaving no stone unturned.

Although, as Queen sings, “The show must go on…”: I am now Avaialable for my Twin Flame relationship.

I have never been so clear, felt so heart free (at least since opening to adult relationship), and all my ducks are in a row. It only took me 30 years since being a teenager. But not everyone is challenged with memories of other people’s pasts and futures. Understanding my self was no walk in the park. I am not even mentioning all the variations of space and time altered realities I had to sort through to find my self. All in all, I figured how I handle my reality.

All of my own experience and gleaning understanding, I plan on being present and available to and my Partner. It is a whole new relationship reality which I feel is worth sharing and learning from being available to feeling bonded in a more focused sense of serving with other. I have been working towards releasing intense anxiety which comes from fearing loss of self, of goals, of being able to track emotions and learn to allow them overly emerge.

The whole Twin Flame relationship requires such deep core awareness of self, of other and of being aware of each other. It is like Being inside a Hall of Mirrors. Yet, although no one is looking, everyone wants and needs to know. It is like Being a teenager again. Family and friends being are attentive to observe meanwhile you are vying for privacy. Yielding to privacy yet opening to process openly allowed the ultimate reward releasing my hardest to release internal fears of being heard and seen, being transparent. As self-absorbed as I felt, there is no regret but gratitude.

My Heart Light Mediations opened me to be able to express Love, Fear and without fear of abandonment, rejection, loss, criticism, judgement, and various other emotional attachment.

I used to be very cautious in sharing feelings. I stopped crying at age 5 years old. I opened to crying after my first relationship ended and learned to cry with partner at age 26 years old. So, the last year and a half has been a marathon, a decathalon, race to the finish line-none too slow. And, I made it a year and a half before my fiftieth birthday. What can I do now? Oh, yeah, I can still have an authentic Heart to Heart relationship with friends and loved ones.

Okay, “I am ready and willing whenever your are ready and willing”, I say to my Other Half.

Namaste,

Jedi