Intimate Journey

I have been loved, revered, respected, honored and yet like everyone else, I wanted a life with family and close friends. I keep my friends close to my heart. I enjoy heart to heart relationships. Yet, still what it feels like to be enigmatic not matter how well I can explain my sense of being both human and non-human in spirit has been a constant wound.

Over the last few years, I began to accept that most of what I say is misunderstood. Even though I have been told that women want to understand me. They want to know what I mean. It is a stretch of their imagination that what I say I experience as real seems unreal.

Meanwhile, I am drawn ever more deeper into what seems to be a never never land, realms of beings who are waiting for me to open the portals to the land of the living. And, yet, I feel torn in half between two worlds. And, I try, and try to explain it in so many ways, being so clear, so precise I am slicing through misunderstanding cutting through ice.

To all my friends, divided by following me through the adventure, a journey where we become strangers in a strange land called our homelands, I am breaking every boundary inside of myself to reach across the spectrum of existence. Love itself has strewn pieces of my heart around the world like Osiris waiting for Isis to piece me together.

Those who love my heart and soul will cross the bridge and give me that strength to carry the torch. If you had not, I do not know how I would, how I could bare it. I might waft into the ethers and dissolve into the astral light. Though I am good, I have felt my impending death, another death of who I have been, overwhelmed by who I have become and will later becoming.

It is as if I have stretched my soul across the sky and feel every one and thing at once. It is not the same as dissolving into light where I feel the peace of all is one. This is a stretch of my human heart. Feeling as if there is eternity from within my body sensing all those I love.

What it feels to love so much to be a leader, a visionary, opening to visions of the dreaming world of needed guidance to the light and love and creation. All it means is the power of passion and love driven by a means to an end, coming home.

I did not want to do this alone. I feel like a sacrificial lamb, opening my soul to bare the truth of nature. I am the divine, divining my immortal soul to shatter the barriers of perception. Not alone, never alone but always on this path of deathing my self to rebirth my soul.

I am mostly beyond the physical pain. All the pain is emotional. Attachment to all that has been, all that has never been, all that may be and all that may never be. As powerful as it is to be alive and free to sense and feel through the depths of my soul, I still long for the One.

I have let go, once again to the desire driving me to feel this void. And, yet I cannot alleviate the void. I can merely sense it, accept and acknowledge the existence of a void yet to be fulfilled. Sometimes, I feel the whole of the self, as complete as I can ever be. As my heart expands while I am centered, I feel this need to feel my other half of my soul. Even though I myself may not believe the beliefs others believe, I feel the desire as deep from the core of my soul.

I still feel the desire for the other half of my soul.

J.