Notes on the Seven Levels of Intimacy

I have thoroughly enjoyed reading this book, The Seven Levels of Intimacy by Mathew Kelly. There are issues that I have brought up again and again and again: relationship is not merely relating but is a partnership. And, bringing feelings, emotions as well as ideas, concepts, thoughts, memories processing together to coordinate needs and wants is a lot of work. It requires opening to one’s own feelings, emotions and thought processes as well as opening to the feelings, emotions and thought processing of another human being.

The viewpoints we have from childhood onto adulthood carry us into relationship yet along the way, life tests our beliefs, abilities to adapt, thrive and survive. Facing changes in health, wealth, and various obstacles life can throw onto our paths, being able to approach communicating with a partner is required to focus on the issues which need to be addressed on day to day, year to year basis. Choices, decisions must be shared, negotiated. If we can come to a consensus we can make healthy choices. If we compromise our values, we may not make healthy choices. There are compromises we make based on changes in our values. Over time, our values may shift and most likely will shift. We may find that our positions on certain issues may change from our view points changing. We may learn more about what is true and real and what is idealistic and fantasy mostly. A relationship challenges us to view our partner’s view points. That in itself is one of the most growth oriented challenging aspects of relationship.
I have emphasized mutual dreams, visions and astral experience. That is because the more attuned we are to our partners, the more we share extrasensory perceptions. The more we experience being extrasensory perceptive and with a partner, the more we can attune our selves to reality as a basis of making choices. The more we make decisions from a mutually agreed upon perspective, the more effective we are in co-creating a mutually inclusive lifestyle.

I am sharing the quote from the Seven Levels of Intimacy because although the author does not discuss the visceral experiences of intimacy, he does discuss the necessity of openly share mutual needs and wants as the seventh level, the highest or deepest level of intimacy. Co-creating a lifestyle requires agreement on the essential desires… legitimate needs in a relationship. Here is the quote:

“The seventh level of intimacy is where our quest to know and be known by each other turns into a truly dynamic collaboration. This final level of intimacy is the level of legitimate needs. We all have legitimate needs. If you don’t eat, you will die. If you don’t breathe, you will die. As we discussed earlier, these legitimate needs are most easily understood in relation to the physical realm, but we have legitimate needs in each of the four aspects of life, physical, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual. Knowing each other’s legitimate needs is a very important part of our quest to know each other in relationship. As an individual, you thrive when your legitimate needs are being met. The same is true for your significant other, your children, parents, friends, and colleagues. Having what we want doesn’t necessarily cause us to thrive; having what we need causes us to thrive. The seventh level of intimacy is not only about knowing each other’s legitimate needs but also about helping each other to fulfill them. If you have a great relationship, will your legitimate needs always be met? No. Sometimes things just happen, and our legitimate needs are the casualties. But this should be the exception, not the norm. When our legitimate needs chronically go unmet, we become irritable, restless, discontented, and frustrated. An individual and a relationship can endure these stressful emotions for only so long.
The seventh level of intimacy is about collaborating in the most dynamic way to know and tend to each other’s legitimate needs. It is about creating a lifestyle with the person we love that is focused on the fulfillment of legitimate needs, driven by the understanding that the fulfillment of legitimate needs causes the human person to thrive… and causes our relationships to thrive. Here, at the pinnacle of our quest for intimacy, we are able to share our needs with those closest to us. It is awe-inspiring to see a couple, or a family, working together to identify and fulfill each other’s legitimate needs. When you see such a relationship, you just know it enjoys a powerful intimacy. Through the acceptance of each other’s different and sometimes opposing opinions (the third level), the revelation of our hopes and dreams (the fourth level), the honoring of each other’s unique feelings (the fifth level), and the awareness of each other’s faults, fears, and failures (the sixth level), we have learned a variety of ways to revere and celebrate the individuality of our partner. Now, in the seventh level, through the discovery of each other’s legitimate needs, we can begin to build a lifestyle that helps each of us become the-best-version-of-ourselves. Do you know what your legitimate needs are? Do you know what your significant other’s legitimate needs are? Kelly, Matthew (2005-11-15). The Seven Levels of Intimacy: The Art of Loving and the Joy of Being Loved (p. 217). Touchstone. Kindle Edition.”

I highly advocate studying intimacy for all types of relationships. Whether between two people, a family, a group we have different levels of intimacy. As long as we are being authentic and real, we are sharing our selves. We cannot avoid and ignore intimacy. All of our relationships requires some level of intimacy. We are relating to people all of the time. In the Seven Levels of Intimacy, banter is the first level. We have that wherever we go to do business – shopping and etc. We make friendships based on higher levels of intimacy. And, we have partnerships based on the highest levels of intimacy. This book has been a pleasure to read as it does not so much teach or instruct but gives order to the issues about intimacy. It has helped me to sort through my vast experience of all types of relationship as well as be able to communicate the issues about intimacy that I had not previous been able to explain. I hope others read it, enjoy it and discuss it.

Namaste,
Jedhi